The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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