I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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