I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
