I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
