why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
this hospital has no fireball
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
