I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
