watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
