I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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