My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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