My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
