I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you had me at cake vodka
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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