So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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