Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
