So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Farmville is her only friend.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
