Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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