Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
