how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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