I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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