census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
