I want to have your abortion
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
