So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
