glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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