I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
