I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
