If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
