I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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