Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
