i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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