If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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