I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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