It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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