If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He passed out mid-signature
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
