it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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