omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
