Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
