dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
