my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
