I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
