Betty ford says i'm here all night
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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