DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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