Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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