I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
