If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
