I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
