I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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