My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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