I just pynch a tree in the face
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
