why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
