the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
