Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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