Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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