i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
