i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
