And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
