She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
