Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
