Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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