i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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