some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
