Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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