i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
